Hard Choices and BIG Changes

So it's been almost two and a half years since the last time I posted anything of any substance on this blog. So much has happened over the last few years, but I figured I would go ahead and answer the question that I got asked many, many times during the all-too-early demise (or at the very least falling into a coma) of this blog: why did I decide to let it go?

The simplest and most direct answer I can give to that question is that two and a half years ago I was barely even alive. I was working in a career that I absolutely hated and that made me so miserable that I literally felt hopeless to the point of some really bad thoughts. I would get up, go to work, attempt to look like I was doing something for 8 hours, and then go home and just sit on the couch all night. This was my life for the better part of 12 years and it finally started to get to me. The worst part about the whole thing is that my father, when he was still alive, was so proud of me for making it in the IT industry that I really felt like I could never leave for fear of disappointing him, which was something that I always seemed to have a knack for when I was younger. I stayed in the IT industry after his death, and it was also sometime after his death that I created this blog, partly as a way to remember the experiences that I shared with him, but also to provide me with an escape from the misery of my day-to-day life. The only real hitch in the plan was that when I would get home I never felt like doing anything...such is the case when one feels that their life is completely pointless and hopeless.

The last post on this blog was in March of 2008. This was the time when things really started to fall down around me. I lost my job, mostly through my own lack of performance, found a new and more laborious job, and generally fell even deeper into the hole that I had sunk into. In terms of all things Disney, a passion of mine since I was a kid, that was just about wrenched out of me as well. I really felt that there was nothing in my life worth existing for, and I am sure that there are many people out there who would agree with I say that that is not at all a good place to be. This went on until July of 2008, and to be exact, July 3rd, 2008. That's actually when this story takes a turn, not just for the better, but for the absolute best that I could have hoped for.

In the last few years I have come to realize that the morning of July 3rd, 2008 was probably the most pivotal moment in my life since my decision to join the Navy in 1995 because as much as I may not have wanted to admit it, I believe that two things happened at that moment that left me with the biggest decision of my life. I truly feel that in that moment I actually considered ending my own life for the first time ever. It was about 5:00 in the morning and I was getting ready for work, showering and shaving just like every other day. I remember stopping right in the middle of my shave and just staring at myself in the mirror. I stood there for I don't know how long before I realized that this was the first time I had actually looked at my own reflection in a very long time, and I really didn't like what I saw. The person that I saw was just a shadow, and I realized in that moment that I wasn't even really living, but just floating along through the days. I stood there, face half shaved, and I just stared at myself and hated what I saw. This wasn't my father's son, the strong person he had raised was gone and had been replaced by someone who hated everything about himself. To this day I really don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, because before I even realized what I was doing I had my cell phone in my hand and was calling my boss. I told him that my work truck was outside the office, all my work gear was in it, and the keys were on the front seat. He asked my why I was telling him this and I told him because I wasn't coming back and just hung up. I already had a plan and I honestly didn't even realize it at the time.

I got dressed, drove to Starbucks and got a cup of coffee. I sat, not really thinking about anything, just sitting until 9 or 10 in the morning. I think I probably drank 3 or 4 white mochas while I was there. Eventually I left and started driving, and at this point I felt like I was on autopilot. Before I knew it, it was noon and I had re-enrolled myself full-time in college. Here I was, 32 years old and going back to college after a 12 year layoff. By the following Monday I had been accepted, done all my financial aid paperwork, started my GI Bill, and gotten myself a schedule. Just one problem remained...it was now the beginning of July and I had no money to get me through until my GI Bill started in September. Somehow I made it through thanks to my family and friends, and now here we are two years later.

In the last 2 years I have gone from miserable computer technician to absolutely ecstatic art student. I went back to college as an art major with concentrations in painting, drawing, and printmaking, and a minor in art history. I graduate in May of 2011 with my BFA, something I had completely given up on. In going back to school I have made myself more broke than I have ever been in my life, but I'm also happier than I have ever been. My family comments on it every time they see me and they support my decision 100%. It is my hope and dream, as far-fetched as it may sound, to someday work for Disney after I graduate. As such, I am preparing myself for a move immediately after graduation. I have never been so hopeful about my life and my future, and I honestly never thought that I would be going through a complete life reboot at 34.

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life, and as such feel like I should give this blog a new lease as well.

This time, however, there will be no promises that I don't intend to keep and no guarantees beyond this: I'm going to start making entries again. I don't know when they'll be or what they'll be about. You may get a post on license plates or you may just get a sample of the artwork I've been producing, who knows? All I know is that for the first time in a very long time I am truly optimistic about life, and that optimism is something that I want to share with as many people as possible!

Thank you also to all those people who have been so supportive of me over these last few years, I couldn't have made it without you!!!

Here's to a bright future,

Ryan C.